DANCING WITH THE TSARS

Characters

Dance Contestants: Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton and James Comey; MC: Sarah Sanders; Spectator: General Flynn; and Judge: William Barr.

Setting:

the play takes place in a Moscow hotel ballroom floor.

Scene One: the respective dance contestants sitting at individual tables together: Putin is dressed in a black tuxedo with his medals while Trump wears a red ball gown; Hillary is wearing her standard powder blue business suit while her partner is in his Comeywear, a blue suit, white shirt and striped blue tie. Barr wears a black robe and one of those black hats that the French judges wear and sits at a table off to the side. Putin and Trump sit at a table playing the board game Monopoly. Putin winks at Trump who smiles.

TRUMP
You know Vlad, I wrote the book on the art of the deal.

PUTIN
(Putin rolls the dice and they come up boxcars. He moves his piece, a movie camera, and lands on Boardwalk.
Boardwalk! I’ll buy you…I mean it.

TRUMP
You know I used to own a casino in Atlantic City. Went bankrupt but I still made a killing and kept my brand intact.

PUTIN
Yes, your brand, Mr. Trump. I was thinking about that. Where else would you like to put your stamp?

TRUMP
Please call me Don. Well, as you know, I am interested in Moscow…

PUTIN
Yes, my real estate agents have informed me. I am also interested in some real estate.

TRUMP
You name it Vlad. The Ukraine, Syria, Iran..that is if I, I mean we, can defeat crooked Hillary and lying Jim Comey over there.

The spotlight switches to Hillary and Comey who look like two ill matched prom dates sitting across from one another and not making eye contact.

HILLARY
Now listen up G-Man. I can assure you that those e-mails were deleted by accident.

COMEY
Right. And Bill was only mentoring Monica Lewinsky.

HILLARY
​​​(She points at Trump)
Well, at least he didn’t take any golden showers. Look at him sucking up to the Ruskies. All he’s thinking about is getting his name on a few onion domes.

COMEY
We’ve looked into Donald, Jr.’s meetings with them at the Trump Tower but couldn’t prove anything. All I can promise you is to be fair. Fair and Square Comey they call me.

HILLARY
I get the square part. You even own a patterned shirt?

The spotlight switches to Sarah Sanders who is standing behind a podium as if conducting a press conference.

SARAH
Okay, just so everybody knows, including the fake news media, we’ve got two couples here tonight vying for one prize. No Vlad. Not the Wikileaks files. The POTUS label. Our two couples are Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin and Hillary Clinton and James Comey. Don, Vlad. You’re first. The couple will be dancing to “How Deep is Your Love?” So, voters lets show these two some love and give it up for Don and Vlad.

Trump and Putin get up from their table and walk out onto the dance floor holding hands. The lights go down with the only light now provided by the disco ball overhead. The twinkling light seems to reflect the stardust in their eyes.
Putin
I’ll lead if you don’t mind Donnie.

TRUMP
Of course Vlad.
​​​​​​(The song “How Deep Is Your Love” comes on and ​​​​​​Putin leads Trump in a dip and then swings him
around. They are really in step and are grooving to the music.)

​​​​​​PUTIN
​​​​(Sings)
I know your eyes in the morning sun,
I feel you touch me in the pouring rain.
And the moment that you wonder far from me
I’m going to threaten you with blackmail again.

​​​​​​TRUMP
​​​​(Sings)
And they came to me in my hotel room,
kept me warm in their love with the KGB,
and it’s me you need to show, and not the public, how deep is your love?
How deep is your love?
‘Cause we’re living in a world of fake news,
CNN breaking us down.
When they should all just let us be,
I belong to you and Sean Hannity.

​​​​​​PUTIN
​​​​(Sings)
I believe that I’ve got you by the balls,
with the camera behind the door.
I was the light in your deepest darkest hour and your savior when you fell.
And you may not think I care for you when you know deep inside that I really do.
And it’s me you need to show how deep is your love.

(Putin and Trump walk off the floor to thunderous applause. Hillary and Comey step onto the dance floor to boos and cat calls from the audience.)

SARAH
Ok, you probably know our next couple by their nicknames. Crooked Hillary and Lying Jim. So, let’s give these two a nice warm welcome.
​​​​​​
​​​​​​(The song “Disco Inferno” begins to play.)

​​​​​​HILLARY
I didn’t pick this song.

​​​​​​COMEY
(He takes Hillary’s hand and begins to lead. She resists and tries to take the first step but he knees her in the groin and begins the dance with her stumbling along with him.)
Let’s go honey. This is my lead.​​
​​​​​(Sings)
Burn baby burn.
Burn baby burn.
Burn baby burn.
Burn baby burn.

HILLARY
​​​​​(Sings)
To my surpise,
one hundred files high,
voters getting loose y’all,
getting down on the proof.
Flynn is screaming,
out of control.
I was still leading when the news started to implode–my campaign,
I heard somebody say.

FLYNN
​​​​​​(He is banging on the table to the beat. Sings.)
Burn baby burn,
Benghazi inferno.
Burn baby,
burn that mother down.

COMEY
(He spins Hillary around. She gets dizzy and falls down. He picks her up and drags her across the floor.)
(Sings.)
Satisfaction came in a redaction.
Burnin’.
I couldn’t say it enough so you had to self-destruct.
Trump was right on it,
rising to the top.
Republicans going strong and that is when my spark got hot.
I heard somebody say.

FLYNN
​​​​​(Sings.)
Burn baby burn.
Benghazi inferno.
Burn baby burn.
Lock Crooked Hillary up.

(Comey drags Hillary off the floor to light applause. Her body is almost parallel to the ground. Flynn rises and offers his seat but when Comey lifts Hillary towards the seat Flynn pulls it away and she crashes to the floor.

The dance contest over, Barr reads a report, and writes his summary.

BARR
I declare Donald and Vladimir the winners. No collusion. No obstruction. A full redacted report will be available soon.

Scene Two: the White House Lincoln Bedroom. Trump is sitting at a desk with a red telephone. He picks up the phone and puts it down again.

MELANIA (OS)
Will you just get over it and call him. You weren’t nervous when it came time to call those two sluts.

TRUMP
​​​​(He picks up the phone and dials)
Hello. Hello Vlad. It’s Donald. You know we met at the dance last Saturday. (pause). Right. Red dress. Well thanks. I’m glad you thought so. What? Oh Vladdy. Stop. You’re embarrassing me.
(Puts hand over phone)
(To Melania)
He said I had nice figures.
​​​​(Back to Putin)
Well listen Vlad I was just wondering if you weren’t doing anything this Saturday if we could maybe…right. Dinner or maybe a movie. You would? Great. What’s that? Well, I’m afraid Korean doesn’t agree with me. I think they nuke it. Maybe some Chinese or, I know, Syrian. Great. See you then.

Scene Three: The Lincoln Bedroom. Putin and Trump are lying next to one another in bed smoking cigars. Trump is wearing a MRGA hat and Putin a MAGA hat.

TRUMP
Vlad. That was fantastic. They don’t call you the Russian Bear for nothing.

PUTIN
You flatter me Donnie.

TRUMP
Vlad?

PUTIN
Yes Donnie.

TRUMP
This wasn’t just a one campaign stand was it? I mean I would really like to be in a relationship.

PUTIN
No, of course not.

Scene Four: Six months later. The Lincoln Bedroom. Trump and Putin are sitting at his desk with the red phone. Trump is visibly pregnant.

TRUMP
We just have way too many guests for this wedding. We’ve got to eliminate a few people.

PUTIN
No problem my little Ninotchka. Who do you want to get rid of?

TRUMP
Well, there’s Little Rocket Man and that guy in Venezuela what’s his name.

PUTIN
Madura. No problem. Are we inviting NATO?

TRUMP
Nah.

PUTIN
I have to include the Eastern Bloc Countries and, of course, the Ukraine.

TRUMP
Natch. We forgetting anybody?

PUTIN
Chief Justice Barr? Vice President Lindsey Graham?

TRUMP
Right. Right. Okay. Well I guess that’s it.
​​​​(Trump picks up a package from the desk)
Hey. What’s this? I wonder if…No. It can’t be. It must be from her. It’s got a Siberian postage stamp. That Hillary. I knew she wouldn’t forget.

Putin picks up the package and holds it to his ear. It is ticking. He throws the package and it explodes off stage. They are unharmed.

Scene Five: Lincoln Bedroom. Putin and Trump look into a large bassinette.

PUTIN
Quadruplets. You’ve outdone Mother Russia.

TRUMP
(He extends his arm into the bassinette.)
Tickle, tickle, tickle. Vlad, I can’t wait until we can show the world these new home movies of the quads. They are absolutely fabulous.

Trump turns on a movie projector and images of The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse come on. They are Pestilence, War, Famine, and Death.